Saturday, September 1, 2012

Have I change?



 Have i change? I have been constantly asking myself this question......Am i change for the better or change for the worse? Well......I don't know, it depend on other see in me :) But i can clearly said that YES! I change! I don't know i should be happy or sad....I really don't know. Last time, i not stress because my study like shit which is always fail. I don't bother study hard because I already give up on myself....Hahaha :) It so funny to think that.....Then later on my PSLE like shit which is only 179. I still remember that time i'm so addicted to Audition. Just play all day and my temper hot like shit hahaha :D And also....scold a lot of vulgar. ... I seriously feel betrayed when i get my PSLE result because all my friends all above 200.....But apparently.....I didn't regret getting so low....Maybe....I not suit express? That just what i thought.... Secondary school, Thank that my computer spoiled and i cannot play my audition anymore... I don't get addicted to it anymore even though i re-download again.....And i can live without using computer too because...My phone can go online.... Things change.... When i was in secondary school.. I was so shock that....I get into top 10....I never get any position before so obviously i was happy :) And obviously...I give hope to myself.... I was happy back then....But things really really change.... Because now, i so called "clever" as i get promoted to express....but i rejected it...Because i know it will be too stress for me....Soon... Every teacher aim at me. If i get not well for a test or failed a test, they always ask me what happen to me...seriously i don't know! They always said i have to aim high because now, I'm express standard!  I get so stress up and stuff.... so stress is a new experience to me in secondary school life.... soon....I got competitor.... I don't know who to trust because everyone near you have motive and all.... It seem like everyone treat me like.... enemy... It okay that they treat me like enemy....I rather they show it but...you know...some of them don't. This society have become more and more ugly... Apparently i'm not happy anymore....Everything you do...people just judge and spread rumor that is untrue....Slowly....I don't dare to tell anyone my problems anymore....I put my guard up...Keep on reminding myself that they have motive, don't tell....I have to say that i clearly know that i'm not happy....So i constantly telling myself primary school is still the best....So treasure that time man! Sometime i get so depress that i have suicide thought....That....Scared me too because i often telling people and myself that commit suicide cannot solve everything...Instead, it bring trouble and sadness to those who care....But once again i thought...who will care? Still remember friday, i look down from 4th storey at school science lab......I keep on imaging if i jump down....what will happen? will i feel pain? But then again my friends ask me go sit down with her...so i stop the thought.... Actually i should thank her hahaha... Because if she don't call me i don't know what will happen next.... Me, trying so hard but my result deprove.... so sad......Have been emo for don't know how many months already.... I have already lost interest for don't know how many stuffs i like le.... Sometime i just wish i could cry out loud! I hate to fake a smile. it so saddening you know. But i can't. I cannot let people worry about me. So i tend to bottle it up and tend to ignore people that talk to me when i not feeling good because....If i open my mouth....I will hurt people again....words hurt and i know it. Soon..... I become very weak....I not strong anymore...I tend to broke down more and can't take joke too easily... because everytime they joke....i will always think if they say just to let me know and warn me.... Hmm....I more sensitive now i guess..... Even when people tweet indirectly...I will thought that is me....And i tend to think more now... I really really scared to offend until people.....even small stuff....I mind a lot! Remember that! I MIND! :(  Vanessa sense that i lost interest in band already.... I have to admit...yes...i really lost interest and tired le....I tired of all those bitches drama, all those lies, all those backstabbing....and yes....backstabbing is new to me too....biased...is new to me too.... Wow! So many new things i learn...hahaha.... She told me to close one eye and focus more on music... Yes.... I will try to... I promise :).....Sometime i just think.....what wrong? Why we have no trust in between leh....why bandmates change? Band used to be so fun! I used to be so enjoyed and look forward to it...We used to be so closed.....Used....that over.... Everything change.... Now i go.....all i get is disappointment and sadness... I trying my hardest to protect the person i love, i really hope they don't change but then.... it so hard.... Keep thinking i'm failure.... useless.....  everyone around me is so emo.... I can't cheer them up... I can't play well.... I don't fit to be SL.... ahhh!!! I almost no positive thought le.... I only know....I'm tired....Clara tell me that don't bother finding out stuff because it hurt you even more.....But my thought and her is different....I want to find out....I want to know why....I want to know why they hate me, why they doing this to me. Maybe i was wrong, thats why they hate me.... maybe if i know the reason, i can change. Fine....I should stop here.... I'm really tired le.... I was like tearing right now... :'( and i cannot let my family know.... So....thank for listening and bother to read until the end.... thank!

PS: Sorry people if i make you sad or angry or offend until you....Please don't blame me! I'm really sorry!! 
PS: I want my previous life back....stress free....where everyone is so innocent and just to have fun...no motive...no nothing. 
PS: But then i realize......My primary school friends change too... Haiz... what a hopeless case...
PS: Just maybe i don't deserve to be happy....whenever i happy....something will pop up and ruin my mood....even if they don't ruin, the following next day will be very very worse....

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